I hope she washed her hands first.

You know, before she made my chips.

I Smell Hijinx

MTV has finally started accepting political ads. FINALLY! This is such glorious news! (snark)

Having seen the ‘quality’ of programming that goes into MTV’s finely crafted shows, I’m sure they chose ads that address hard-hitting issues and only air the most objective ads highlighting each candidates’ stances on the issues so that these young voters are able to make well informed decisions for themselves; much like their shows do.

Unfortunately, I just conducted further research on the subject and – I can’t believe it – the first ever political ad on MTV is anti-Barack Obama! What does MTV have against Obama? More importantly, which of these two skanks actually had to blow the MTV exec that approved this deal and which one just had to tug on his balls?

If you want to take part in balancing this circus out, take a look at the ad that MoveOn.org made. They’re attempting to raise public money to have their ad aired as well. I’d chip in but I’m saving up to have my anus bleached because that’s what MTV told me to do.

City Gardening Update: Vermin

The gardening updates have been scarce lately because, frankly, I’ve been too busy eating cucumbers, eggplant and the occasional cherry tomato to write. Damn, those things are hearty! This was the harvest I came back to after taking a much-needed trip to the Jersey Shore for a few days…

The only major change is that all of the tomato plants had to be moved below deck and tied to a trellis since they were taking over the deck space and getting too top heavy. Puddin’ assembled the trellis and made an elevated counter for me to put the tomato buckets on so they are still reachable from the upper deck. (I like using the nautical terminology because it allows me to fantasize about living on the water.) I accidentally snapped a couple of the vines when I was moving them to their new home, but fortunately none of the ones I broke had any tomatoes on them.

Since starting this experiment I’ve been really fortunate to have gotten little, to no pests. Thankfully, feral cats don’t seem interested in vegetables but something that leaves tiny poops (I suspect a possum) ate a couple of leaves off the eggplant, sparing the veggie itself. Aside from Tiny Pooper the only predators I’ve had were early aphids on one tomato plant and the sole brussell sprout. I bought what was supposedly an organic pest spray to deal with those critters and I moved the two infested plants away from the rest of the garden. The spray wound up giving me a hive-like rash when one drop touched my skin so I decided to retire both of the affected plants and cut my losses. However, the tomato persisted even after I neglected it for about a month. Now it sits on the ground in a bucket under the healthy tomato plants, in a sort of vegetable garden quarantine. We’ll see if it produces fruit but I’m still wary of eating something sprayed with a product that after one-part-per-million touched my skin made me look like a burn victim.

My most recent concern is that my strawberries are being munched on by something that very clearly has actual teeth, and presumably knows a thing or two about ripeness since it’s only eating the reddest berries of the bunch. Me thinks its Tiny Pooper, though I haven’t been left any evidence for that theory to be conclusive. (On a related note, I will not be able to mention Tiny Pooper ever again without singing it to the tune of Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer’. Sorry, Tony Danza.)

The worst part about TP munching on my strawberries is that he takes two bites then leaves the tainted remains on the plant, as if to say, “I tried your strawberry. I’ve had better.” It makes me wish I could afford a garden web cam or some kind of motion-sensored animal trap so I could catch the little bugger and offer him champagne (arsenic) to wash down my fruit.

New word.

Casholine: 1. currency used primarily for filling up gas tanks or, conversely, 2. a type of fuel used to fill up said gas tanks.

Today’s word comes to us courtesy of Puddin’ Head Jones Connolly.

Today’s hero: Randy Pausch

Thank you Professor Pausch for your Last Lecture and all of your inspiring words.

RIP Randy Pausch.

New and Improved Sweet and Sour Summer Slaw

Earlier this week I posted this recipe that I made up on a whim. Well last night I made the 2.0 version which uses red cabbage instead of green and the added bonus of mint leaves and cucumber. It’s so crunchy and sweet with very little need for vinegar or seasoning because of the potency of fresh herbs. Last night I ate it with a nice hunk of dry seared Halal* London Broil seasoned with oregano, salt, pepper and garlic powder. It was a deee-lish dish!

Invite me to your house for something this summer and I will gladly bring it. Unless of course it’s already been broughten.

*I had never tried any Halal meat fresh from the supermarket, but I bought it because our new Shop Rite has a whole Halal meat section. Praise Allah. I was curious if I would notice a taste difference; can’t say that I did but I appreciate the standards anyway.

The only good thing Scientology has ever made.

Beck Hansen is, and has always been, an absolute weirdo. That was first made obvious when he made a song famous with cockamamie lyrics like “drive-by body pierce” and “shave your face with some mace in the dark”. Even moreso if you ever saw this interview between him and Thurston Moore on 120 Minutes years ago, which I remember watching live as a teenager. In probably the most direct question, Moore asks Beck what his real name is and he responds – silently – by taking off his Timberland-style work boot and throwing it at a piece of the set behind his back. Moore, a weirdo and creative genius himself, carries himself through the interview like a stalwart, nodding into the next question without flinching. It’s the most monotonously entertaining interview I’ve ever seen, replete with high fives, low-fi tape recorders, ‘Right Ons’, ‘yeah mans’ and an cocky/pre-Buddhist/Cholo-looking Mike D talking into a voice-effects box.

I didn’t realize then that I would still be interested in Beck’s music as an adult but after his most recent release, Modern Guilt I have to give the guy credit for his longevity, and creativity. When I bought it the fella behind the counter at Marvelous Records asked if it was ‘one of his party albums’ and while it’s got sweet beats, a bit of techno style (courtesy of producer/drummer Danger Mouse), and a whole lot of funk, the lyrics are curiously sad. This is especially evident on the third track, Chemtrails, which feels almost like it was snuck in to remind you, “This is NOT a party album.” Anyone that suffers from their own Modern Guilt (mine stems from 13 years of Catholic School) can probably relate, regardless of specifics. (PS If you want to read up on the Conspiracy Theory that song is named after, you can find it here.)

I say all of this as someone with inconsistent respect for Beck. His music is either hit or miss for me, often with only a couple of truly redeemable tunes per album. He’s never made anything that I think is bad, per se, but I teeter on renouncing certain celebrities* solely on their affiliation with Scientology. Sorry, that’s just how I feel. But as a second generation follower I feel like Beck is an exception. He must have learned something good in all of it to have produced such a well-rounded recording with Modern Guilt, especially if Xanadu really was his first album.

(re: Dear Jenna Elfmann, Not that I was ever a big fan of yours, but AIDS is no more a state of mind than New York is, you nut. Also, Jason Lee, wtf dude?)

This is one of Beck’s funkiest song ever, and one of my all-time favorites. It’s not from Modern Guilt, but it’s definitely a party song. (I changed the original video to one that actually has Beck in it.)

New words.

Enyalate (pronounced: ehn-yah-layt) To act, sing, speak or dress like the new age singer, Enya.

Cursery Rhymes: Nursery Rhymes with ‘adult’ language, also sometimes known as a limerick.

Richigan: Wealthy people who moved from Flint, Michigan after the auto plants closed to more affluent areas such as Grosse Point, Ann Arbor and other wealthy Michigan cities. (Courtesy of Puddin’. That wasn’t his original definition but I worked it a little so it ‘made sense’, since this game is real.)

summer sweet and sour slaw

So far my garden hasn’t been yielding great quantities of anything but in the last week I picked three cherry tomatoes, a fistful of parsley and five baby carrots that were demanding I use them ASAP. Seriously, the tomatoes were yelling at me. But alone, those three things don’t really constitute a whole recipe so I added them to a few ingredients I happened to have in the fridge already. Voila! Depression food (i.e., making something out of nothing.) This was one of the best single-serving salads I’ve had in a while. As an added bonus, this recipe will clean you out! Anyone who knows me knows how important regularity is.

To make my new Sweet and Sour Summer Slaw here’s what you’ll need:
You can decide the quantity of each but I’ll tell you what I used for my test batch and you can decide from there how much to expand. I can tell you already that there is way more parsley than you might assume. Consider it a main ingredient instead of a flavor or color element.

Items marked with an asterisk (*) were from the garden.

*cherry tomatoes
*fresh parsley
*baby carrots
pre-shredded cabbage (I used green but next time I’m going with red, all the way. It’s just way sweeter and prettier!)
gala apples
apple cider vinegar
olive oil
salt, pepper, garlic powder

With one fistful of pre-shredded cabbage already in the bowl I finely chopped the cherry tomatoes and the parsley and cut the apples and carrots julienne-style and mixed them altogether. (I figured this would be crunchier than shredding them, and I prefer crunchy to mushy anytime.) I added about a tablespoon of olive oil, two of Bragg’s apple cider vinegar and a dash each of salt, pepper and garlic powder. I think next time I might add some radishes. Yum!

My inspiration for this recipe comes from my favorite Turkish restaurant in Pittsburgh, Cafe Anatolia, which is no longer in existence. Their salad was made of red cabbage, shredded carrots, parsley and lemon juice and it was fresh and perfect. I sure do miss those guys.

Save my Walrus!!!

Sweet cheeses, I love the innernets.
It’s almost better than the Liberry, for they wouldn’t have these gems without it.